Joshua's assessment sessions with the child psychologist have spread over about 6 months and been quite painful and traumatic for both of us. I was reluctant to go to the session today and decided to go without Josh and took Rachel with me for support.

They have finally been able to give us some answers. The psychologist is going to recommend a long term programme of counselling with a child psychologist. Joshua is apparently experiencing high levels of anxiety which are not likely to resolve without the appropriate intervention, he feels that doing nothing and hoping that things resolve themselves was not an option. Josh has issues about loss and separation, arising from his early childhood traumas, which need careful and appropriate therapy. Josh also has problems on knowing what level of engagement is appropriate for different people and also problems coping with children of his own age. It was quite scary to hear and Rachel, who is a lot tougher than me was in tears. Although I was probably aware of a lot of this already from my own observations it still came as quite a shock to hear it all from a specialist. It is horrible to think of Josh suffering on a daily basis and not knowing how to cope with his feelings.

Worse was to come, the doctor who has been assessing Josh is leaving at the end of July and financial cuts mean that no one is being taken on to replace him. We have been warned that we will probably be denied this essesntial treatment and have to be prepared to put up a fight to get it. I have not been given any advise on how I might be able to help Josh. There is nothing I can really do until I have the report in writing.

Current Mood: worried

After how I had been feeling recently it was an achievement in itself that I managed to even get to Redemption. I was struggling a lot of the time, so if I seemed unfriendly or distant with anyone, please accept my appologies. I also feel very guilty that I was a nuisance for steverogerson with my mood swings, he worked so hard to make it a wonderful con for everyone.

Thank you to gaspodia and emmzzi, Roger and Tommy for helping Josh with his homework, it was very much appreciated. thanks also to katlinel, I didn't manage to get your e mail address, perhaps you can get it to me via Steve. Thank you to communicator for her kind words and also the_magician. It was lovely to see you glitterboy1 , not even sure if we managed to speak or not though.

Josh had a few ups and downs, but on the whole a positive experience. He enjoyed the chaos workshop with alex_holden, we will have to find a place for the model somewhere.

We were both hysterical with laughter at the reading of Man of Iron, it was our first time seeing it and it was done brilliantly.

We came home on Sunday evening, for lots of reasons really. I was feeling very anxious about the journey home and wanted to get it over with. It meant that Josh would not miss school on Monday and I wanted Steve to be able to get drunk and relax without worrying about me.

Current Mood: hopeful

Today has been a little bit easier. Still feeling tired and that everything is an uphill struggle though.

Had my counselling session today which was quite in depth and hard work but at least I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Also received quite a scary letter from work, it was basically the minutes from our last meeting but also mentioned terminating my employment. I have another meeting with the occupational health doctor on Thursday, but although my manager keeps requesting these reviews with occy health, she does not take any notice of any of the doctors recommendations. I feel that work have given up on me and are hoping I will not go back, which is not having a very good effect on my already rock bottom self esteem.

Joshua has been moaning about his hair annoying him but refusing to go to the barbers. I have no problem with him growing his hair, but he does not want it long, he just doesn't like having it cut. Dragged him to the barbers after school and then took him swimming and made him do 8 lengths. Had loads of moaning and complaining and it demanded a lot of my willpower but we managed it!

Have managed to walk a couple of miles today and booked in for aquafit in the morning. Hoping the exercise will lift my mood as well. Going to catch up on the ironing now and then relax with some TV and reading in bed.

Current Mood: determined

It would have been my little brother's birthday today.

I would give anything to spend just one more (painfree) day with him.


Stephen O'Rourke


19th December 1958 - 20th March 2002

Current Mood: hopeful

steverogerson will be travelling back today. He has a long journey ahead of him and I won't see him till Friday.

Just wanted to say I have missed him and love him and am looking forward to our second christmas together.

Current Mood: cheerful

Have felt better over the last few days. Still have had lots of appointments to fit in.

Josh has seen our dentist about the smaller, removable brace today. Josh seems quite positive about it and had a mould of his mouth made which was a bit unpleasant but he was very brave.

have put the christmas tree up and got well into writing cards as well. have treated us to a free range turkey from M&S for christmas day, would feel too guilty celebrating with one that was not free range.

car is going for its MOT tomorrow, hope it does not need too much doing as not sure how I will be able to pay for it.

Going to be very virtuous now and make loads of vegetable soup, some for now and some to freeze.

Current Mood: determined

struggling today, feeling really down. Trying to keep positive but everything seems to be going wrong. Josh is driving me crazy, we had hoped for some good news about getting his favourite cuddly back(he has had it since he was a baby), we left it in malaysia. I know it is my fault for forgetting to pack it but this guy has had over six months to send it back to us but he just keeps making excuses. I suppose it is all a bit of a joke to him, but it is very important to Josh.

Current Mood: tearful

A mixed week last week, lots of niggly apointments and things to sort out. had a lovely weekend with steverogerson. We went to Ross on Wye on Saturday and stayed overnight in a very posh hotel. it was very cold but we managed a walk round the town and along the river on saturday afternoon. We had fun looking round the charity shops and got a few bargains.

Steve left for his trip to the Phillipines yesterday, he should be arriving any minute now. he has gone for a friend's stag celebration and it will be nearly Christmas by the time we are together again.

Did some invigilating this morning for the first time in over six months. have not had any response from the hospital about making arrangements for my return to work there. Trying to keep well and positive.

Steve just phoned, he has landed in manilla now, wish I was there with him but glad I haven't just had a long flight.

Going to find the christmas tree from the shed and get the decorations out of the loft - definitely time to start my christmas preparations.

Current Mood: excited

Feeling much better today. wrapped some christmas presents last night which always cheers me up. have recorded the second episode of Survivors but not watched it yet.

Posted some more photos from the London meet onto the L@S forum, really impressed with my technical skill... I am getting much faster but still get confused and annoyed when things don't go to plan.

Cooking for Donna this evening, so will be relaxing with wine later.

Current Mood: accomplished